Have you heard about the 9/11 Seinfeld episode? No, you’re not crazy. The show went off the air three years too early for this to ever be a thing, but a Saturday Night Live writer named Billy Domineau has written a brilliantly profane spec script that takes the 9/11 Seinfeld premise and runs with it to disturbingly hilarious places.
Hardcore Seinfeld fans should definitely read the whole thing. It’s tonally spot-on, and each character’s arc is just… wow. If this had ever been shot and aired, it would be the kind of divisive irreverent comedy that goes down in history, being both praised and damned, sometimes by the same people.
It goes without saying the whole thing is in incredibly bad taste, but it never crosses the line into pure shock value. Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are true to their characters. Here’s a rundown of their horrible/hilarious story arcs:
1. George Lies About Being a 9/11 Hero
Envious of the praise being heaped on New York City’s First Responders, when George is mistaken for an apparently dead 9/11 hero, he runs with it. A group of distraught survivors thank him by buying him a suit jacket and of course he gets himself in way too deep for this to ever be a good idea.
2. Elaine Can’t Dump Her 9/11 Survivor Boyfriend
When we first meet Elaine, she blithely informs us that the guy she was dating died in the attack. But it’s no big deal because she was about to break up with him anyway. When it turns out he survived, she can’t bring herself to dump him. Oh and the sound effects he uses while telling the story of his unlikely survival are just THE WORST.
3. Jerry’s Dusty Dilemma
With large swaths of New York City covered in dust after the Towers fell, Jerry is terrified of the stuff. There’s dust on his sandwich, in his date’s teeth, all over his clothes, and it’s really freaking him out!
4. Kramer’s Box-Cutter Was THE Box-Cutter
As we now know, terrorist Mohamed Atta was able to bully his way into the cockpit of American Airlines Flight 11 by smuggling a box-cutter aboard the plane and using it as a weapon. It turns out Kramer knew “Mo Atta” and had lent him the very box-cutter he smuggled aboard the flight! Now Kramer’s out for justice as he seeks to be reimbursed for the lost box-cutter from the 9/11 victims’ fund.
All four storylines converge in a uniquely Seinfeld-ian way, and after reading the script we can only conclude that THIS would have been a far more satisfying ending to the series than the one that currently exists. It would have been more memorable, and it certainly would have emphasized how terrible they all really were far more effectively than the trial they got themselves into.
Now all we have to do is wait for Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, and Michael Richards (and various others) to decide they need to get back together to film this thing!