Colossus is arguably the toughest, sturdiest dude in the X-universe, but in the new Deadpool movie, the big metal man just can’t stomach the Merc’s bloodthirsty antics. After seeing Colossus repeatedly choke on his Cheerios while trying to deal with Deadpool’s overall grossness, we decided to rank some of the movie’s many gross-out gags based on how likely they are to, uh, gag the steel sentinel. SPOILERS AHEAD!
#8. Deadpool Encourages Murder
Deadpool obviously doesn’t have the greatest moral compass in the world, and his corrupt sense of morality seems to be infectious. After paying a cabbie for a ride with a high five, the cabbie takes a note from the Deadpool playbook and kidnaps his romantic rival. The next time the two cross paths, the rival is in the cabbie’s trunk, and Deadpool is clearly impressed with the driver’s initiative, going so far as to encourage the cabbie to kill the rival and hide the body. This moment might make Colossus choke a little, but we’re sure he could hold it together long enough to give Deadpool a speech about changing his ways.
#7. Hashtag Driveby
Deadpool isn’t ALL dick and fart jokes — but there are still plenty of dick and fart jokes to enjoy. At one point Deadpool farts near his roommate, Blind Al, while walking by her and quips, “Hashtag Driveby.” And somewhere Colossus gagged.
#6. Indecent Liberties with a Unicorn
In the closing credits for Deadpool, a roughly-drawn animated version of our favorite gun for hire makes his way across the screen riding a unicorn. He soon starts to stroke the unicorn’s horn and it ejaculates a rainbow. Colossus would certainly have to avert his eyes at such shenanigans.
#5. Spelling It with Bodies
Deadpool has an ongoing feud with the movie’s main villain because ‘Pool just can’t let “Ajax” forget that his real name is “Francis.” As the baddie beats Deadpool into submission near the movie’s climax, Ajax implores him to, “Say my name!” And eventually Deadpool does — by spelling “Francis” in the dead bodies of Ajax’s henchmen. Fortunately Colossus was otherwise occupied at the time, or he definitely would have puked in his mouth a little.
#4. A Severed Hand Played for Laughs
This one actually does make Colossus puke in the movie. To get away from the big metal X-Man, Deadpool cuts off his own hand like some kind of trapped animal. When Colossus sees what ‘Pool’s doing, he’s rightfully grossed out, and blows chunks. To add insult to injury, the middle finger on the hand is pointed straight up.
#3. A Stapled-On Hugh Jackman Mask
Ryan Reynolds takes a few potshots at Hugh Jackman throughout the movie, and we’re guessing it’s because he’s still not over how Deadpool was ruined in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. (Actually, we’re not guessing.) The best Jackman gag comes near the end when Deadpool unmasks himself for his ladylove, only to reveal a cut-out picture of Hugh Jackman’s face stapled to his own real face. Vanessa lovingly pulls the staples from Deadpool’s mottled skin, and let’s him know that after some time to get used to it, and a lot of liquor, it’s a face she’d love to ride. Those aren’t tears you’re choking back. They’re partially digested pieces of your breakfast.
#2. Masturbating with a Tiny Baby Hand
Deadpool’s ability to grow back body parts becomes one of the movie’s grossest gags when we see a tiny baby hand begin to grow from Wade’s wrist stump after he severs his own hand. When he strokes Blind Al’s face with the moist-looking little paw, she’s rightfully grossed out, but it gets even worse when he kicks her out of the room so he can find out what it’s like to masturbate with the miniature hand. Colossus isn’t the only one whose stomach contents would be emptied on the floor upon witnessing such unholy self pleasure.
#1. Sexual Abuse Flirting
Wade’s meet-cute with Vanessa is by far the most offensive joke in Deadpool. When the two first meet, they flirt by one-upping each other with stories of childhood sexual abuse. It’s the only moment in the film that could reasonably deserve a trigger warning, and it’s probably a cringe moment for a lot of people in the audience. Hopefully no one watching will try this out, though, because you’re far more likely to make someone sick than meet your soulmate with this tactic.