Roses? Love? See’s Candies? Who needs ’em?! Valentine’s Day is just another way to make people feel BAD. No, you say? You LOVE Valentine’s Day because it’s a celebration of eternal devotion and profound goodness and cherubic archers firing heart-shaped arrows? Well, isn’t that just PERFECT!
For the rest of us— the alone, the forlorn, the desperate—there’s always the movies. Ah, the movies, where life can be zapped away by the wonderful dimming of lights and flickering of the projector. It’s where people can go and sit in the dark and watch Jason Biggs lament the plight of the celibate…if only that couple behind me would STOP MAKING OUT and WATCH THE MOVIE!
Okay, so you can’t escape love. It’s all around us like The Troggs say, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it. In the meantime, exercise your independence by watching these flicks and having a happy anti-Valentine’s Day:
11. Lars and the Real Girl – Ryan Gosling plays a loser who buys a sex doll and pretends like she’s a real person. Frankly, anyone this depressing can only make you feel good about yourself. Ignore the uplifting feeling you might get at the end.
10. The Break-Up – A “comedy” starring Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston as a couple who break up but still live together because they bought a place. A broken heart is not funny, but it kind of is when it’s not yours.
9. (500) Days of Summer – Zooey Deschanel plays a dream girl who captures Joseph Gordon Levitt‘s heart, only to trample it to death when she gets bored of him. This one will reinforce your hatred of all things romantic, but you’ll probably still like Zooey. She’s impossible to stay mad at for more than five minutes.
8. Sleepwalk With Me – Mike Birbiglia‘s authentic account of his stand up career taking off and the adverse effect it had on his eight-year relationship. Sleepwalk will give you hope if you’re a sad sack and it stars Lauren Ambrose, who is just always freakin’ sweet.
7. Broken Flowers – Philanderer Bill Murray gets an anonymous letter saying he has a son so he treks cross-country to track down former flames who could be the author. Jim Jarmusch’s film reminds us that young dudes who sleep with tons of women end up alone, smoking weed, and wearing Fred Perry track suits. Wait, that’s my life NOW. Not cool.
6. Ruby Sparks – Paul Dano plays a writer who conjures a dream girl named Ruby Sparks for his new novel, but she magically materializes in front on him. Whatever he writes, Ruby does. This film is the secret wish of all guys since we’re all evil control freaks…and jealous, jealous evil control freaks.
5. Blue Valentine – A non-linear exploration of a marriage and how it’s deteriorated. It’s another Gosling movie (Bet you thought he was Valentine’s Day’s poster boy — THINK AGAIN!). The incessant bickering and Gosling’s dwindling hairline make this one a must-see for all pathetic losers in the romance department.
4. Chungking Express – Wong Kar-wai’s sumptuous tale of two lovesick dudes pondering their failed relationships. If you’ve just broken up with someone, Faye Wong and Tony Leung will make you forget all about him or her. Plus, it has great American pop songs.
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Kate Winslet heads into Lacuna Inc., a company that specializes in erasing memories of someone. God, I wish this was real so I could erase every time I heard a Macklemore song.
2. Annie Hall – The granddaddy of all relationship movies is hilarious, intellectual, and proof love cannot be explained rationally. Woody Allen and Diane Keaton play the immortal couple Alvy and Annie. They will make you forget about your own problems for 93 minutes.
1. Star Wars – It could be raining anvils and I would still never look outside because Star Wars is on. Forget the outside world and WATCH STAR WARS.
The Top 11 Anti-Valentine's Day Movies